Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I kicked Today in the face!!

   If you can't spell "their/there/they're" then your parents need to go back to your high school and demand a refund.

   Love is blind but hate has perfect 20/20 vision.

   Sex is a great way to calm down after a long, stressful day at work. Being a good friend, I'm always available to provide relaxing support.

   It's not my fault you didn't read my warning label.

   I'm being blackmailed by my memory foam mattress.

   A Life ?! Where can I download one of those?

   Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it's only Tuesday.

   When your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me!", you're supposed to reply, "I sure as hell hope not.. isn't that the whole point?"

   Where's everyone at? I need other people ideas.

   roses are red, violets are fine, i'll be the 6 if you be the 9

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   Remember when scientists said that smoking weed made your sperm lazy? And we wonder why we cant get our kids off the couch or out from in front of the X-box.

   Cashier: Sir, this is the 5th movie ticket you have bought tonight. Customer: Well yeah, the a$$hole at the entrance keeps ripping it.

   why dont you SHUT THE F°©< up and play catch with a bear trap

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet... it would air just before "Teen mom".. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

   Don't ever blame yourself if people can't accept you for who you are.

   This healthy bran cereal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and am now eating bacon.

   Never, ever be ashamed of what you are. I'M not ashamed of what you are.