Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.

   My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist

   You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.

   Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.

   College goes 0-100 real quick. You'll go from chilling for four weeks to having 3 tests, 5 quizzes, 4 speeches, and 7 papers due in 2 days.

   It's Thursday and I don't need any inspirational messages to start my day, just spike my coffee and shut the f*ck up.

   Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

   Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...

   I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.

   Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".

   I don't know about sexual healing, but trust me, sexual resurrection does NOT work....

   Relationship Status Update On Tuesday: Slept with laundry last night I was too lazy to fold.

   Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle.

   Dear Weekend, I swear the weekdays mean nothing to me. You're the one I want to be with.

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   My service dog refuses to go out of the house without his service squirrel.

   I'll punch you and take your taco.

   Crap, I accidentally said Happy Mother's Day to my mother in person instead of writing a paragraph on social media. I feel like such a tool

   If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.

   I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.