Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “I've dissected our earlier conversation and I think I might be mad at you.” - WOMEN

   Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.

   Fact: 99% of men watch porn, 1% is lying. 1% of women watch porn, 99% are lying.

   I've decided February is a trial month too, I'll sort out my life in March....

   I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.

   If you like having sex while listening to music -- always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   If Making a Murderer is a documentary, why was the second season confirmed?

   When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.

   My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist

   You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.

   Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.

   College goes 0-100 real quick. You'll go from chilling for four weeks to having 3 tests, 5 quizzes, 4 speeches, and 7 papers due in 2 days.

   It's Thursday and I don't need any inspirational messages to start my day, just spike my coffee and shut the f*ck up.

   Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

   Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...

   I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.

   Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".

   I don't know about sexual healing, but trust me, sexual resurrection does NOT work....

   Relationship Status Update On Tuesday: Slept with laundry last night I was too lazy to fold.

   Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle.