Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   90% of the time I drop my IPhone because I wanna see a picture horizontal.

   if you're an influentail person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man whose been single longer than 6 months.

   All my favorite youth rebellion songs are written by old millionaires.

   Hey, stop staring at me! Is it your first time to see a guy doing hula hoops at a gym?

   It's not you...it's my wife.

   I wish I loved anything as much as some of you love to criticize & attack each other.

   UNUSUAL TRUE FACTS: Every year, four people die trying to put their pants on.

   I guess there won't be mens figure skating at the winter olympics...

   From Shark week to Mob week. Luca Brasi sleeps with Jaws.

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   "What are you in for?" "Ran a red light." "They sent you to prison for that?" "Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."

   Google is defiently female, because it has an answer for everything!

   Men brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they've got a six pack. Women brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they're losing weight

   If everything seems to be going well....... you have obviously overlooked something.

   I will never be mature enough that if you hate me I won't hate you back.

   The only way that I would ever be able to wake up on time in the morning is if I had a butler who set my comforter on fire every morning.

   Cheerleading was invented when some girl got mad because everyone was watching men…

   I'm pretty sure the inked up girl working at Starbucks isn't making the full contribution to her 401k...