Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My family was too poor to buy hooked on fonics.

   Nothing says “I need a swift steel-toed kick to the crotch!” like people who silently watch and say nothing as someone is bullied... Except maybe parents who give their children weird @ss names.

   prays for the day when all resturants have scatch and sniffs ...to get a good whiff of the meal before you order it lol

   Be my Facebook Friend, NOT a Spy or a Hater.

   Eskimo marriages have increased at least tenfold due to global warming. The main reason is that young couples are finding it easier to break the ice.

   ☑ Facebook. ☑ Twitter. ☑ Tumblr. ☐ Life.

   get to drilling Bruce Willis.

   IKEA has the BEST horse d'oeuvres.

   90% of the time I drop my IPhone because I wanna see a picture horizontal.

   if you're an influentail person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man whose been single longer than 6 months.

   All my favorite youth rebellion songs are written by old millionaires.

   Hey, stop staring at me! Is it your first time to see a guy doing hula hoops at a gym?

   It's not you...it's my wife.

   I wish I loved anything as much as some of you love to criticize & attack each other.

   UNUSUAL TRUE FACTS: Every year, four people die trying to put their pants on.

   I guess there won't be mens figure skating at the winter olympics...

   From Shark week to Mob week. Luca Brasi sleeps with Jaws.

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   "What are you in for?" "Ran a red light." "They sent you to prison for that?" "Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."