Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.

   I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.

   When you and your friends are watching NFL games at home, do you stand for the National Anthem or continues to sit on the couch, drink your beer and eat nacho's?

   Worst. Apology. Ever.

   Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.

   Castro Is Dead. Okay, all you Cubanos in Miami can go back now.

   If your kids keep finding the presents you've hidden, put them in the attic. Don't forget to feed them while they're up there.

   I just dropped a MOABM .. mother of all bowel movements

   It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   If you love someone who doesn't love you, means you are waiting for a ship at the airport!

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   Thinking of getting a portable hand held air horn to help remind people not wearing a mask to keep away from me.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales

   That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

   Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.