Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't remember the last time I've enjoyed St. Patrick's Day....which means I'm doing it right!!

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.

   I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.

   Castro Is Dead. Okay, all you Cubanos in Miami can go back now.

   Worst. Apology. Ever.

   Im sooo embarrased.. One day at a DEM convention, I yawned and Bill stuck his cokc in my mouth.

   When you and your friends are watching NFL games at home, do you stand for the National Anthem or continues to sit on the couch, drink your beer and eat nacho's?

   If your kids keep finding the presents you've hidden, put them in the attic. Don't forget to feed them while they're up there.

   'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   Spoiler alert: Going to more than one rodeo does not make you any smarter.

   So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales

   That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

   Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.

   I've decided not to say "Happy Holidays" this Christmas Season .... I am going to go totally rogue and badass and say .... "Merry Christmas" ... instead!! .... Hope I don't ruin anybody's Christmas.

   let's ake a picture of Trump at his Inauguration...and then again 4 years later. Should be fun!