Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your kids keep finding the presents you've hidden, put them in the attic. Don't forget to feed them while they're up there.

   I just dropped a MOABM .. mother of all bowel movements

   It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   If you love someone who doesn't love you, means you are waiting for a ship at the airport!

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   Thinking of getting a portable hand held air horn to help remind people not wearing a mask to keep away from me.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

   Today is my first day of taking fish oil When do I get scales

   Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!

   That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

   Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

   I've decided not to say "Happy Holidays" this Christmas Season .... I am going to go totally rogue and badass and say .... "Merry Christmas" ... instead!! .... Hope I don't ruin anybody's Christmas.

   let's ake a picture of Trump at his Inauguration...and then again 4 years later. Should be fun!

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   Marla Maples is in favor or border security. She lost her job to an immigrant too.

   So,,,,,,now that people are eating tide pods,,,,,does that mean they identify as a washing machine, now? I'm confused