Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steve Jobs death is being treated as suspicious... Police are looking for iWitnesses

   America: the most powerful nation in the history. We're gonna have haters from weaker countries. Good bless America!

   All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

   No mask on your face, you big disgrace, spreading your germs all over the place. Freddie Mercury,

   I find it ironic that blacks wont be safe until... you lock up all the blacks....

   America will NEVER be great again, regardless of who wins, NEVER, period! Nothing will change same old caca, and you all know it. So chill!

   Okay can we only go through one day of Mandela jokes instead of the 3 days of Paul Walker????? Thanks!

   *eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*

   Fingers crossed this is the year I'll finally wear a scarf correctly!

   I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.

   Dying is Kim Kardashian's number one fear because in the spiritual world ghosts only have white d*cks.

   My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "You're donating to Locks of Love?"

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..

   You're really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women

   Good Lord...Pink For Cancer, Red For Cards, Orange for Halloween, and Now Blue for Bullying! October has More damn color in it than a strand of Christmas Lights!

   Having a beard while wearing a suit says "I am a professional who might go through your trash later."

   My favorite religion is Skepticism.

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...