Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.

   New chapters in The Art of the Deal sequel: 1) Insult Your Way to an Unpassable Health Bill. 2) Build the Wall and Make Mexico Pay Nothing.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   .... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!

   Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.

   What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

   Trump's 2nd season "Im a winner" will be airing on 2020.

   Having a degree doesn't mean you're talented, it just means you're educated.

   A Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV walk into a bar... I’ve forgotten the rest!

   Everyone is wearing masks & school starts back soon....the teachers are gonna sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....wah wah wah

   ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

   If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.

   I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo

   Do I have to have watch Spiderman one, two, three, one, two, one, and two to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?

   Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

   my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do I take flowers or…?

   Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

   An educational show for children about the importance of treating your toys nicely: Breaking Bad