Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What this country needs is more gum control. I'm getting pretty damn tired of sticky wads getting stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

   Trump's 2nd season "Im a winner" will be airing on 2020.

   Having a degree doesn't mean you're talented, it just means you're educated.

   A Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV walk into a bar... I’ve forgotten the rest!

   Everyone is wearing masks & school starts back soon....the teachers are gonna sound like Charlie Brown's teacher....wah wah wah

   ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

   If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.

   I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed 'U' & 'I' are together...it's meant to be! Then I looked underneath it and it said JK.

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo

   Do I have to have watch Spiderman one, two, three, one, two, one, and two to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?

   Taco Bell wouldn’t be so popular if indoor plumbing didn’t exist

   my dr just scheduled my colonoscopy on valentine’s day, do I take flowers or…?

   Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

   An educational show for children about the importance of treating your toys nicely: Breaking Bad

   My wife has been looking through the window every since it started raining this morning. I suppose I should let her back in.

   When I went into Rehab the sign over the door said "Abandon all dope, ye who enter."

   Celebrities: quit selling guns. No one needs gun beside my bodyguard

   I start wearing an earring when my wife found it in our bed.

   Last night I ordered my whole dinner in French. Even the waiter was impressed, because it was a Chinese restaurant.

   On the bright side, at least we found a way to stop mass shooting in schools, offices, malls and concerts.