Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you let people judge you, then how would you know what is your greatest limit?

   would like to thank maury povich for letting so many know if they are the father and can celebrate this day

   We were given the go-ahead to wear Packers stuff to work this week... I wonder how long I'll be able to get away with a pair of jeans and green and gold body paint on the rest of me with a beer can hat...

   Now back to our regularly scheduled programming!

   If anyone knows of a good "mechanic", I'll foot the bill if he can help us out with (ooter

   C.L.A.S.S. -Come Late And Start Socializing

   whatever happened to Rodney Allen Rippy? I loved that kid.

   I'm going to reserve judgement on the Super Committee until I see them in their costumes........

   My boss asked me if I was trying to give him a heart attack, I'm guessing by my smug smile and walk off he got his answer.

   Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian might be the first time in history that the roles have been reversed and a ball player has trapped a hoe.

   Lil Wayne will not be upstaged by the Carter/Knowles clan tonight. When he brings Drake out to announce Drakes pregnant by him.

   It's amazing how a single terd can shut down a water park.

   Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.

   If I were a cosmetic surgeon my slogan would be, "We can change your bottom line"

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   You know how you sometimes hear something pop loudly in the microwave? That's the camera bulb flashing.

   New chapters in The Art of the Deal sequel: 1) Insult Your Way to an Unpassable Health Bill. 2) Build the Wall and Make Mexico Pay Nothing.

   Sometimes I stay awake at night wondering… How long did it take Cinderella and the Prince to realize you can’t base a relationship on shoe size.

   .... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!

   Stop blaming Millennials. This election has clearly proven that people of all generations are awful.