Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knowing that you don't understand women is understanding women. Thanks Socrates.

   In case you were wondering how desirable I am, I once won 2nd place in a beauty pageant. OK, it was while I was playing Monopoly but it still counts dammit.

   I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the makers of alcohol for making life worth living.

   success is not the key to happiness; happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.

   Why would I watch the Victoria Secret Angels when I have 3 mirrors in my room?

   My right eye has been twitching for the past hour. Is this what it's like to have a hobby?

   Can't wait for the Cirque Du Soleil show based on the Steve Martin film The Jerk. I'll be 1st in line for Cirque El Jerk.

   so these two Myans walk into a bar...oh...too late?

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   The majority of my life is spent alone, the rest is spent feeling alone.

   49ers sort of have a dear antler in the headlights look.

   I don't care if your a 7 foot 10 Sasquatch of a man if you step on a kids Lego barefoot at 3am on the way to the bathroom you will squeal like a baby seal....fact....:)

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   Facebook - The one place, where you can pretend to have a lot of friends

   Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.

   You're broken and I have trust issues, let's get this madness started.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old

   A-Fraud! Suspended

   Somehow, our tupperware is disappearing - time to buy more lunch meat.

   Just remember that, when it comes right down to it, nobody cares.