Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   The majority of my life is spent alone, the rest is spent feeling alone.

   49ers sort of have a dear antler in the headlights look.

   I don't care if your a 7 foot 10 Sasquatch of a man if you step on a kids Lego barefoot at 3am on the way to the bathroom you will squeal like a baby seal....fact....:)

   Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life. Where I'm going, if I'll fall in love, what I want in life... Then I pull up my pants and flush the toilet.

   Facebook - The one place, where you can pretend to have a lot of friends

   Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.

   You're broken and I have trust issues, let's get this madness started.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old

   A-Fraud! Suspended

   Somehow, our tupperware is disappearing - time to buy more lunch meat.

   Just remember that, when it comes right down to it, nobody cares.

   I told my mate that I met Robert De Niro once. He said, "Really, what was your impression of him?" I replied, "You talkin' to me...?"

   Whatsapp and BBM have been ranked 2nd and 3rd as the best for gossip.Women continue to rule at No. 1.

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.

   There is nothing wrong with making the same mistake twice as long as you admit it, apologize and accept that you're stupid.

   I hate when I forget that I don't like you.

   Today I wish a Happy Easter to my Greek Orthodox and Russian friends. Your ancestors really sucked at reading the calendar.

   I almost missed work this morning because "somebody" changed the order of my "day of the week" undies.

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a knife fight.