Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   There are somethings some parents will never understand..like how to actually be parents...

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman

   Sarcasm is not a way of speaking, it is a way of life.

   I assume aliens love oral since they only abduct humans without teeth.

   MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

   Happy Pi day!!! Party at my house.. BYOC (Bring your own calculator) :D

   if you listen very carefully you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   1 Universe, 8 Planets, 7 Continents, 809 Islands, 204 Countries, and I had the privilege of meeting you.

   The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.

   Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   2020 democratic presidential candidate slogan - " Who want free phones?"

   Trump wants a 30 foot wall.> i'm starting a 35 foot ladder business.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Gul Dukat.

   Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.

   My foot went to sleep in my team meeting yesterday, which wasn't a big deal until it started snoring.

   Does Bruce Jenner get a Mother's Day present this year?

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks middle fingers for sticking up for me!