Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're physically knocking someone down to get into the Casey Anthony trial then you need a letter from a mental health specialist proving why you're unemployable

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   I remain concerned that without Internet access, the people of Egypt may not know that Charlie Sheen is okay.

   When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be trown away?

   at home snorting Dorito dust.

   34 days till steak and rh day! :D

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   There are somethings some parents will never understand..like how to actually be parents...

   Dear Dora, How do you get that t-shirt to fit over your head? Please tell me your secret because I would like to fit into these size 5 jeans. Sincerely, The Average Sized Woman

   Sarcasm is not a way of speaking, it is a way of life.

   I assume aliens love oral since they only abduct humans without teeth.

   MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

   Happy Pi day!!! Party at my house.. BYOC (Bring your own calculator) :D

   if you listen very carefully you can hear Monday sharpen her claws in the distance

   1 Universe, 8 Planets, 7 Continents, 809 Islands, 204 Countries, and I had the privilege of meeting you.

   The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.

   Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.

   People can't go to sleep if any of their phone apps need to be updated, but will drive their car with the check engine light on until it explodes.

   Trump wants a 30 foot wall.> i'm starting a 35 foot ladder business.