Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.

   I'm watching extreme makeover: home edition in an attempt to invoke an emotion response from my cold and numb soul.

   had some sushi for lunch but it seemed a bit undercooked

   hard at work trying to crate train my hamster but, he just doesn't get it...so ive decided to train him to use the litter box!!! and who better to teach him than my cat.....

   knows that the bird is a word.

   dear inventor of 5 hour energy. please make a coffee flavor drink so I can add it to my coffee

   Distance never separates two hearts that really care

   Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the sky and he will believe you, tell him this bench is wet and he will have to touch it to make sure...

   bragging about having sex with you wife is like bragging that I just gave myself the best handjob

   hula hooping in wallmart...yeah I still got it

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat

   A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

   unscrewing a bottle of his favorite wine...Chateau Libido! ;)

   I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.

   A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.

   Note to Self: Stop posting personal things on Facebook and make appointment at the free clinic.

   Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

   wants you to think of the word "Politics". Poly means "many" and "ticks" are blood sucking creatures.