Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, if y'all have any good vegan Thanksgiving recipes please rip them up and burn them cause that's freakin' gross.

   No one likes laying in the wet spot but everyone loves making one.

   Just because it was funny last year, does not make it funny this year for you!

   You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...

   Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an "s" in it?

   Dear Dad, thanks for not pulling out. Happy Father's Day!

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?

   You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.

   I'm watching extreme makeover: home edition in an attempt to invoke an emotion response from my cold and numb soul.

   had some sushi for lunch but it seemed a bit undercooked

   hard at work trying to crate train my hamster but, he just doesn't get it...so ive decided to train him to use the litter box!!! and who better to teach him than my cat.....

   knows that the bird is a word.

   dear inventor of 5 hour energy. please make a coffee flavor drink so I can add it to my coffee

   Distance never separates two hearts that really care

   Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the sky and he will believe you, tell him this bench is wet and he will have to touch it to make sure...

   bragging about having sex with you wife is like bragging that I just gave myself the best handjob

   hula hooping in wallmart...yeah I still got it

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat