Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser.

   Can't believe it's only been a month we've been self quarantining is it feels more like I've been doing it since like 1979

   In these trying days of isolation please remember Deodorant is not Optional.

   I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

   *gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible I have toilet paper

   I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"

   Now would be an Ideal time for Netflix to release Sheldon Cooper presents Sheldon Cooper's "Fun With Flags"

   The man should always walk next to the curb with the woman walking next to the building. That way, if someone shoves a piano out of a 6th story window, she's the one who gets it.

   Locust swarms. Killer ninja murder hornets. Virus pandemics. You were complaining about Christmas music

   I wonder if the offers I had as a kid, "slap you into next year" still stands.

   I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.

   For some reason I have a feeling that I might have told you this joke about Deju Vu before.

   I hope my retirement home has a jam room and decent studio

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.

   No woman will ever get caught cheating unless she wants you to know! Basic law of life.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

   I'm not the person my browser history insists I am.

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.