Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.

   Scotty, don't beam me up yet. I am taking a dump.

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   I went to ninja school once but the teacher never showed up

   I'm at the point of my life where if aliens come, they wont need to abduct me, I'll gladly go with them

   Checked with my Sperm Bank to see my deposit was getting any interest..sadly they said Zero.

   I haven't thought about murder enough lately.

   I just want to point out that you won't find one bed or bath at Bed Bath and Beyond so they better come up with something spectacular for that last part

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.

   No woman will ever get caught cheating unless she wants you to know! Basic law of life.

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

   I'm not the person my browser history insists I am.

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   Your first mistake was asking her what she is thinking and your second was listening to her reply.

   Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.

   I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....

   My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.