Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   I would eat more tofu if it was an animal.

   My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work

   If Batman and Catwoman had a baby, would it be Batcat, or Manwoman?

   For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs

   It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .

   How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

   Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"

   When I'm waiting for the bus I hat it when someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" ...... Hey dummy .... If the bus came, would I still be standing here???

   Lately I've been walking into rooms clapping my hands like Donald Trump for no reason.......

   Sad start to this week as we lost Grandpa. Luckily, we found him this morning!

   ETC.....End of Thinking Capacity.

   I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.

   Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .

   Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   “Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

   Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.

   Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.