Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt" -Men over 50.

   Pretty cool that there's no law saying you can't name your kid Squidward if you want.

   My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

   Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

   Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

   This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards

   Please don’t suggest a product to me that’s not available at Walmart.

   My last exam was a bigger failure than FOX's show, Son of Zorn.

   If you want me to remember your baby's name then you will have to call him Buddy.

   I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville

   idk why the amazon CEO doesn't cal l himself the "Amazon Prime Minister"