Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D

   I just found something that will put you to sleep, The OJ Simpson hearing

   [inventor of dogs] Take this wolf and make it not eat us.

   There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.

   I'm really tired of every article about a woman having an opinion being accompanied by the most deranged photo of her they can find.

   For Sale: Eclipse glasses. Like new. Only used once. Make offer.

   I am sure glad no one got a picture of my full moon....

   I like to let my kids do everything other parents are yelling at their kids to stop doing.

   Wish me luck. I'm about to tell this highway it's adopted.

   when I was in school I was so bad at math,i failed like eleventeen times!

   People who don't have a dog, have to pick the food up them self that they drop on the floor .

   I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.

   I have nothing funny to say this morning. My creative license was revoked.

   I’ve come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .

   thinks that Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   You know what they say about identity theft. Fool me once,shame on you,fool me twice shame on you because you're me now.

   Kim is now offering nukes to the NFL. I said this would get out of hand but no one listened.

   I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.

   When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.