Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   You don't really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you are there standing

   spending Thanksgiving day with your obnoxious relatives something to be thankful for?

   A train station is where trains stop. A bus station is where buses stop. At my desk at work I have a work station.

   There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   "Alexa, Get me a divorce."

   Tough Monday today so I consulted my spirit guide. He led me right to the Vodka. Total Mind Reader!!!

   Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You're one of them.

   Okay buddy if you want to sit behind me and honk your horn for waving someone ahead of me at four-way stop sign then I think I'll do the polite thing and wave the next five cars on while I update my current status.

   Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far

   Sometimes I think I'm an intelligent person and other times I want to get married.

   Want to know the secret to happiness? Deactivate your Facebook account like people used to take the phone off the hook.