Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.

   I'm judge, jury, executioner, bailiff, public defender, prosecutor, and court stenographer. These budget cutbacks are brutal.

   So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?

   Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.

   A recently unemployed friend signed up for Cobra and all they gave him was health insurance, not a snake?!?!

   S&P lowers Britain from AAA to AA. Unless Britain is a disposable battery, this is bad news.

   Just a friendly reminder for Canada Day and Independence Day, fireworks look way more amazing when you're not constantly checking your iPhone.

   .... The Manchurian Candidates that have been offered under the Liberal banner are the Useful Idiots that Vladimir Lenin and Joseph Stalin spoke of to overthrow their opponents.

   Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense.

   Hmmm, we didn't have all this craziness when people were allowed to smoke anywhere.......

   Wendy's pay terminals hacked!!! First my wife finds out I was on Ashley Madison, now she'll know I bought my dates baked potatoes.

   I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.

   We are paying you to work, not chase fictional video game characters with your cell phone all day. Save it for your break time or lunch. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time unemployed to "catch them all".

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold

   If you enjoy loud wails, eating dinner cold, unexpected slime, and not showering properly for days....Smile! You're a Parent.

   You seem like someone desperate enough to LIKE your own FB posts.

   Coworker: I have an announcement to make. We are expecting twins. Me: Congrats on having 2 kids with the same father!

   My friend asked me if I'd ever be ready to go to a nudist colony. "Mate... I was born ready".

   A belated congrats to the Sham Wow people for having the balls to sell a product on TV with the word "sham" in the name.

   "It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.