Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you pull out my earphones I will pull out your vocal cords!

   Every single person on the planet has the reflexes of a superhero if you start scrolling through their photos while holding their phone.

   I wish I knew what kind of withdrawals I'm having right now so I could focus more on that particular drug.

   Jaywalking sounds like a stupid made up crime so I treat it like one. If you think I am walking an extra block to cross the street, you are out of your mind.

   The nice thing about hitting a pothole with my truck tire is that it usually changes the order of the dash trouble lights.

   If we took all of the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be a poor family with dysentery watching their oxen die.

   Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.

   wondering if practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, what the point of trying

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission

   desperatly trying to on who came up with the idea of bright colored play toys for dogs if they are colorblind to begin with.

   Money....Here Today, Gone Today!!

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

   if you beat the odds , they all knew you could do it.

   I know you lifes not that interesting you only took those pictures to post on facebook.

   I have spend years pefecting the art of walking around my house in the dark. Now what I wanna know, is who the hell put that f*cking stool in the middle of the damn living room?!

   I think I'm missing a point :| ----->>> ... .....

   some people need to learn proper "Jump Off" ettiquetts.

   BREAKING NEWS! Private IMs of Top BP Engineer released! BP-1: Nothing is working. Any more ideas? BP-2: What if we build a large wooden badger?

   wonders why when you are eating Starburst and ask someone if they would like one, they always want a "red" one?

   wondering if fix a flat will bring my blow up doll back to life?