Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   roses are red, chocolate is brown, some ppl will be stuck at home looking for singles in their town

   Oscar Pistorius will try and plead temporary insanity! I personally do not think he has a leg to stand on!!

   "That was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy." ~Amy Farrah Fowler

   Sunday is looking like a category "1 box of wine" nor'easter.

   Taking off your clothes is the best part of my day.

   Where do we cash out these Likes? I need gas money, and by gas money I mean booze.

   If anybodys looking for me i'll be in Southie lookin for Erin's Gold Bra. Happy St Patricks Day

   The problem is the ugly ones are too confident and the good looking ones are taken.

   If you pull out my earphones I will pull out your vocal cords!

   Every single person on the planet has the reflexes of a superhero if you start scrolling through their photos while holding their phone.

   I wish I knew what kind of withdrawals I'm having right now so I could focus more on that particular drug.

   Jaywalking sounds like a stupid made up crime so I treat it like one. If you think I am walking an extra block to cross the street, you are out of your mind.

   The nice thing about hitting a pothole with my truck tire is that it usually changes the order of the dash trouble lights.

   If we took all of the guns out of video games, Oregon Trail would just be a poor family with dysentery watching their oxen die.

   Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.

   wondering if practice makes perfect and nobody is perfect, what the point of trying

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission

   desperatly trying to on who came up with the idea of bright colored play toys for dogs if they are colorblind to begin with.

   Money....Here Today, Gone Today!!

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.