Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   [listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   Raisins are the Cougar of Grapes

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Do Millennial kids just trick or treat online?

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.

   Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   That moment when you hit the submit button and realize you just misspelled a word you went over 100x's with your 7 yr. olds spelling words.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex

   There's no difference between instant maple & brown sugar oatmeal & an oatmeal & raisin cookie so screw the system, I'm eating the cookie.

   Casey #notguilty is like saying, I havn't eaten in the past week, when I ate a sandwitch 30 mins. ago..

   would be very surprised if some of my friends were missing tomorrow

   Ok , rapture already! Take me an leave Beiber, or vice versa, whatever !