Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner? ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

   If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

   I can't be the only one who’s first instinct when a fly lands on their computer screen is to try to scare it with the cursor.

   Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!

   A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   today I'll be celebrating MLK day...I'm going to sleep in late & have a dream

   Did I miss the Superbowl again? Darn that's like 20 years in a row.

   Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

   My account has hacked, but if you receive an inappropriate message, it was probably still me.

   direct deposit: $1400 me at Nike: you do it.

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones... Hmmm,, You may NOT want in a phone that sets itself on fire,, to be water resistant guys.

   If your phone is autocorrecting kindergarten to Kardashian, the world is not wrong, it's your search habits.

   If God gave you a good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to give thanks. And if God gave you a not-so-good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to get back at Him.

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.

   I can picture it now. Xi says in Chinese "look at this fat idiot attack that chocolate cake." And then the interpreter says in English "we agree that this meeting has been very useful".