Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Counting to ten when someone makes you angry works much better if you're counting punches.

   There should be a ride or die carpool lane for serious travelers.

   A toothbrush. If you let a woman bring one into your house, it’s no longer your house.

   of all the things i've lost, I miss my childhood the most...

   Sorry I was charming. It won't happen again.

   I'll only date you if all my friends and family hate your guts. - girls

   A selfie a day keeps the daddy issues at bay

   it's not "stalking" .....it's "starting a secret fan club that only has 1 member"

   Silence is golden unless you have kids then silence is suspicious.

   Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...

   Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out.

   the 60's Batman and Robin were the brave pioneers of tight spandex pants ... blazing the brave trail for what would become the new and trendy fashion adopted by today's people of WalMart. Thanx Batman and Robin

   Thought I wanted love. Turns out I just want a tattoo.

   [Cow pushing 3 shopping carts out of store].. Ugh,,, Why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

   When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot

   When I die I want my last words to be "Andy's coming quick act like a toy."

   F*ck Valentines Day -- Who's ready for Deadpool, Zoolander 2, and The Walking Dead?

   Happy Valentines Day. Today is not just about romantic couples, it's the day where everyone is loved for being who you are. If you are spending the day with friends, family, your significant other, or yourself...do something nice to treat yourself today.

   Seatbelts are very important, unless you are driving a huge school bus filled with children.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."