Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The definition of a Canadian - An unarmed American with Health Insurance!

   Trump is already claiming that voter fraud is to blame for losing health care vote.

   If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.

   NASA: don't look up at the eclipse without the required glasses Trump: what does NASA know? I have amazing eyes. Best eyes you've ever seen

   I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their darn kids out of my yard.

   Black Lies Scatter!

   OK, OK. I'm sorry I yelled "Get a room!" when your grandmother was hugging your grandfather's casket.

   Donald Trump "has accepted a relationship with Christ". No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier messiah.

   Are you crying because you are fat or because you're hungry again?

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

   she was only a wrestler's daughter but you should have seen her box.

   We broke free from England to elect a sociopathic reality star or a compulsively lying epitome of PMS for President. Bang up job, America.

   White House, Republican. Senate: 52% Republican. House: 54% Republican. Yet, Trump blames the Democrats for his failure? Does anyone not see the stupidity in this???

   The best thing about my wife's bj..... The five minutes of silence

   I would send thoughts and prayers, but I would rather vote and send better politicians...

   Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

   Harry and Meghan have started an online poll to allow the British public to suggest the name of the new royal infant. The current front-runner is Princey McPrinceFace.

   My daughter was eating a snack cake while her mother gave her a haircut. I said, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She said, "I know, daddy. And I'm gonna get b00bies too!"

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”

   Last night my refrigerator opened my bedroom door, walked in and stood there and stared at me for a few minuntes, then left and closed the door