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I would walk over Legos for you.
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12-31-2012 04:28 by
Kisstopher
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I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.
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01-12-2013 08:31 by
flinnie
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Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...
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01-13-2013 16:24 by
YODA
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Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.
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01-13-2013 18:00
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Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''
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01-23-2013 20:34 by
Marshall the Great
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Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s hit..Problem solved.
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02-09-2013 11:14 by
Czovczov
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What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
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06-25-2013 13:07
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Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."
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06-26-2013 13:11 by
HiYourJon
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Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."
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06-29-2013 12:02 by
DeeX
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Tip for Egypt's next president: get rid of Tahrir square.
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07-05-2013 12:40
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Married sext: I'll remember to bring my Tupperware home from work today.
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07-07-2013 10:37
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I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
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07-19-2013 08:18
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in China they are reporting that weiner has lost the erection...
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07-30-2013 15:07
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I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
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08-01-2013 06:24
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Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.
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08-17-2013 13:15
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i will never buy a foam finger again !
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08-26-2013 19:58 by
flipphonescott
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I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
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08-30-2013 09:16 by
Aaron
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for all those who are taken, almost taken, taken for granted, waiting to be taken, and those who aren't taken seriously!! Happy Valentinesday!!
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02-14-2013 08:22
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Why do they still print the phonebook? "Gee, thanks. Here's a large printed portion of the internet for me to throw away."
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02-23-2013 22:51 by
Kentonious Maximus
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Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad
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02-26-2013 06:35 by
Huck
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