Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's to Obama's trip to Dallas. May it go as well as JFK's

   Just saw this on the back of a car: "My child is an honor student, but my president is a moron."

   Kentucky man wins 128 million dollar lottery. Says he will share winnings with his wife and sister. Lucky woman!

   If men fall sleep so quick after sex, why is it so hard to catch rapists ? :p

   allowed to talk about fight club

   waited patiently in line for 'free willy', only to discover it was a film!

   wanna go halves on a baby?

   Those who want the minimum wage set to $15 an hour; calling it a living wage are clueless. How about a living education? If you're 30 and making fries for a living, don't expect me to subsidize your poor life choices.

   There will be no more need to worry about being on Santa's naughty list........Obama shut down the coal industry

   Oh you're voting for Hillarious Clinton the crook. I am not saying you're stupid, but voting for her only proves you are. . .

   Clinton passed a law disarming soldiers on bases. Makes total sense right?

   A recent independant survey claims that 1 in 10 women wear dirty panties on a regular basis. Not really sure I believe that statistic. Something smells a kinda fishy to me......

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”

   Hey. If Obama wins yet I didn't vote for him....do I still get the free phone?

   After the movie Magic Mike is released this weekend all the theatre seats are going to looks like snails crawled across them...

   Gay people are such great dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   On dating sites, some of the options for 'body type' should be, 'Vending machine', 'deformed walrus' and 'pudding in garbage bag'.

   Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal. ;-)