Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

   A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Especially when it takes all their concentration to even figure out who they are talking to.

   Just got my ass kicked pretty bad ...man I'll never shadow box again

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   I just want to see one serial killer yell "you're on Scare Tactics!" then finish the job!

   You say you hate him but you constantly think of him, re-read his messages & check his FB profile.

   Why is it we know we have the right to remain silent... But never do it?

   Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love.

   My boloney has a first name its H.A.R.O.L.D...!!!

   easily doubled his money by folding it in half and putting it back into my pocket

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   money don't change you, it changes the people around you.

   Last night, a car crashed into a Taco Bell by my house. Customers were shocked to hear screams and explosions that weren't coming from the bathroom.

   While Prince may have found his mother demanding. Maybe she just didn't want to see him wear a frilly purple suit everyday

   Hurting someone who really cares you is as easy as throwing stone in the lake, but you will never know how deep that stone goes

   The drunk text from a guy you decided not to go home with is like the ankle grab from someone you just shot

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take

   If the 2nd only covers muskets and cannons, then healthcare only covers band aids and tylenol. Libera@1 logic at its best.

   Indi@n people win spelling bees, Jeopardy championships, and collegiate scholarships. They know everything...except the existence of deodorants.

   Trump hooked hiis drive out of bounds on the sixth hole today. Blames Democrats.