Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know your getting old when you put your foot up on a cement curb so you can tie your shoe.....and you step on your nuts!

   I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drinking enthusiast!

   I just downloaded the bible on my I-Pad. Now I have a good excuse to bring my I-Pad into church!

   I'm allowed to punch obnoxious girls since I'm g@y, right?

   eating carrots and watching porn. Something *seriously* went wrong with my weekend

   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.

   OK Fellas, this one is for you. Be careful who you pick up and take to bed. With wigs, weaves, fake nails, padded bras and pants; you could go to be with a girl that looks like Janet Jackson and wake up with one that looks like Tito!

   I'd like to be a bird, not for the freedom and beauty of flight...I just want to be able to sh*t on people like a WWII bomber pilot.

   Wonders if anyone calls that number on trucks that says, "How's my driving?" to tell them their driver is driving amazingly well!

   Last night I had an epifanny....I realized I couldn't spell.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   It make me happy when I can teach my phone dirty words. T9 b!tch.

   I am a part of Peta people enjoying Tasty animals

   The last thing I want to do in insult you... BUT it is on the LIST..

   you can't fix ugly with makeup

   Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my p*nis".

   May the 4th be with you...but I need a Fifth.

   the trouble with life is there is no background music

   You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.

   Seriously... Something to do before 2010 is over. Come out of the closet. Everyone's got the gaydar on you already. (It will only hurt a little!) ;)