Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It make me happy when I can teach my phone dirty words. T9 b!tch.

   I am a part of Peta people enjoying Tasty animals

   you can't fix ugly with makeup

   Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my p*nis".

   May the 4th be with you...but I need a Fifth.

   the trouble with life is there is no background music

   You grow up the day you have your first real laugh - at yourself.

   Seriously... Something to do before 2010 is over. Come out of the closet. Everyone's got the gaydar on you already. (It will only hurt a little!) ;)

   There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   You know how when you walk up a staircase in the dark and you can't see where the last step is? I live for that feeling.

   Being a politican is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f-cking them.

   The new 'Huckleberry Finn' - where Jim is shackled, beaten & kept as human livestock, but nobody calls him any bad words.

   You give that porn actress an award?, she sucks! Nevermind....

   wonders if its politically incorrect to pour Self Raising Flour on orphan kids.....

   Little Jonny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently "3 BJs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!

   I want to make sweet love to your face with my fist. Don't worry, I'll use protection. Wouldn't want my hand to get hurt.

   Add My BB Pin » Y3hR1ght

   A baby first laughs at around 4 weeks of age. Of course, this is the same time its eyes begin to focus and can see you clearly.

   Going to look for the meaning of life, first place I'm gunna check is this bottle of vodka