Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guys shave their balls, but real men tweeze.

   “Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.!!!

   Hey North Korea... It's no coincidence one of our atomic bombs was once named "Little Boy"

   someone needs to engineer some jokes

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Polish immigrants was caught sneaking out of the UK .

   Ladies... If your going to post "Selfie" pics from the bathroom... Can't you atleast make sure the toliet is not in the picture...

   I am pretty sure that Dennis Rodman is qualified to be a Democratic Congressman from California'

   The problem with love is that though we get to chose who we love, we don't get to chose who loves us back.

   My dog tore up the sofa so I chewed up his dog bed. Eye for an eye, Dawg!

   you know your getting old when you put your foot up on a cement curb so you can tie your shoe.....and you step on your nuts!

   I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drinking enthusiast!

   I just downloaded the bible on my I-Pad. Now I have a good excuse to bring my I-Pad into church!

   I'm allowed to punch obnoxious girls since I'm g@y, right?

   eating carrots and watching porn. Something *seriously* went wrong with my weekend

   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I just made your horn louder.

   OK Fellas, this one is for you. Be careful who you pick up and take to bed. With wigs, weaves, fake nails, padded bras and pants; you could go to be with a girl that looks like Janet Jackson and wake up with one that looks like Tito!

   I'd like to be a bird, not for the freedom and beauty of flight...I just want to be able to sh*t on people like a WWII bomber pilot.

   Wonders if anyone calls that number on trucks that says, "How's my driving?" to tell them their driver is driving amazingly well!

   Last night I had an epifanny....I realized I couldn't spell.

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.