Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why Facebook doesnt have a relationship status that says "SLEEPING WITH YOUR MAN" You KNOW a lot of people would be down for that on FB!!!

   stocking up on Twinkies and shoe polish so he can replace Oprah in 2011.

   You may not like her but Jesus thinks she's to die for

   the next person that tells me they have a 3 day weekend is getting a firework shoved up their poop shoot!

   Did you know if you hit someone really hard with a hammer, they IMMEDIATELY start planking?

   I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, I wanna sleep with her, men don't think like that. We think I wanna screw her! No sleep involved

   So after leading on thousands of supporters in order to collect millions in campaign contributions, Sarah Palin has announced that she will not be running for President, but not without first spending stacks of donated cash on a cross country family vacat

   where are all thedouche bags that said this was some anti gun control nut job now?

   I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something....... I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes

   I drank all weekend and now I'm on my beeriod...

   Having trouble getting onto your horse? Simply ride up beside it on your giraffe and then jump down.

   Buy a ship. Name it relation. Sit in it. You are in a relationship.

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

   Now when she say's "deplorable" does she mean like when her husband stuck a cigar in places it didn't belong? I'm just trying to set a precedent here...

   After today's revelations about Susan Rice, I think it's become clear that the only foreigner who meddled in the election was Obama.

   I want to see Trump win just so I can hear him say "Barack Obama, you're fired!"

   We are about two elections away from deciding President by monster truck rally or burping contest.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. It did not have Bluetooth, you could not take selfies on it or send any text messages... Even worse! When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive!

   You're over the age of 12. Maybe use the word "YOLO" a little less. Or, better yet..not at all.

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.