Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to open a coffee house and charge more than Starbucks. The sign above my cafe will be written ever so elegantly, "Voler Votre Argent."

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   's laugh is so contagious they created a vaccine for it

   life's a b***h, but she throws one hell of a party..

   I hate it when people steal my ideas before I think of them.

   people get hurt when others don't have the nerve to say what they truly feel

   me and procrastinating have this love hate relationship going on.... but I'll do it later...

   House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

   Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

   BP Spewing More Lies Than Originally Estimated

   packing for beach vacation - cross the oil off the list

   You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.

   If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.

   IEBER FEVER: Symptoms include elevated temperature, undergarment wetting and nine octave higher range while screeching. For those in proximity of sufferers symptoms include nausea, vomiting and desire to kick Justin Bieber in his empty sack gonads

   Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause your ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested for laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing." I am not responsible for funeral fees. With that being said, enjoy my wall.

   I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

   You think of it as an extra hour of sleep. I think of it was an extra hour of dreaming and keeping reality at bay.

   what happens when you spill carpet cleaner?

   Warning, Taking this medicine with alcohol may cause you to loose consciousness....Probably should have read that two hours ago