Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

   I always used to make fun of my ex about the sex tapes we made, but she was a good sport, she always took it on the chin.

   My plan to train the world's first tap dancing spider would have gone better had I not freaked out and stomped it to death whilst screaming like a little girl.

   I think I have pretty nice nipples for a guy. Not bragging, just stating a fact.

   I'm thinking I should have told the truth. Where's my granddaughters justice now?

   The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.

   The DOW is up 200 points. NBC is down 2 1/2 men

   When a woman says "I know what I want", you know she is lying.

   feeling like a boss when you type without looking and you dont make any mistakes

   Maybe cupid should shoot himself with his own damn arrow then maybe he'd see how much love hurts

   The last fight me and my wife had was whether Tommy Boy was an Awesome Movie or Super Awesome Movie!!!!!

   If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Looks like the lava from that volcano in Hawaii has buried an old Japanese cemetary. But on the bight side, we don't have to worry about zombies wielding samurai swords either.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.

   I can't honestly think of one funny p0st you have ever contributed here.

   The president announced his bracket for the NCAA tournament. March Madness and Obama is predicting Michigan State will beat Louisville to win the national championship. Going by Obama's past predictions, I want to congratulate Louisville on their big wi

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   You know that movie "Unbreakable" where Bruce Will cannot find the limits of his own strength? I'm like that but with ice cream consumption.