Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Believe in God, but never forget to lock your car !

   ♫ I'm tasty and I know it! Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle!♫ - Bacon.

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!

   Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #

   This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......

   If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.

   The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake.

   earth is full, go home.

   I wonder how many of my friends are one night stand babies!

   in Dos Equis Man voice... " Lebron's game doesn't always disappear, but when it does he prefers the playoffs"

   Of course I'm crazy, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong

   its come to my attention its been sometime since many of you have brought the noise/and or funk

   If you say your grandpa is looking down at you and smiling I'm just going to assume you also have one of those mean drunken roof grandpas.

   Whoever coined the phrase "The Buck stops here" has obviously never ever carried my poor wallet!

   Saw a lady in line at grocery store... Could tell she was single by the ammount of cat food she bought

   I'm hoping one of the new scenes Lucas adds to Star Wars involves Jar Jar being brutally killed

   To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who is happy, she's married and whenever I see a man who is happy, he's single!

   Be nice to your laptop/smartphone today. SkyNet was supposed to become self-aware last night, April 19th 2011. If all goes well we can avoid Judgement Day tomorrow.

   the royal wedding is as close to porn for females as you're ever gonna see...except Twilight