Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my Nintendo Wii character is depressed from my lack of playing. When I logged on he had a full beard and had a Nickelback shirt on.

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss. Anyway, his name was Jeff... and he's a Seahawks fan

   Angie's List?? Yeah, like I'd trust the opinions of a bunch of random idiots...

   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

   with the upcoming end of the world quickly approaching, in lieu of Christmas cards this year, I have sent out checks out to all my friends in the amount of $1,000,000 post dated 12/22/2012. Good luck finding a bank that isn't under water everyone!

   Gay firemen were the first pole dancers. And they were fabulous.

   What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.

   I ran 3 miles after work today and stopped by Arby's and got me LARGE chedder cheese and roast beef samich and some fries . Take that Michelle .

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"

   Believe in God, but never forget to lock your car !

   ♫ I'm tasty and I know it! Sizzle sizzle sizzle sizzle!♫ - Bacon.

   If I were a proctologist,,, I'd walk into every examining room with fake hook-hands, cuz,,,,,,,, well, you know

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want! They don't know my life! They don't know what I've been through!!!

   Fat chicks like hash tags cause they look like waffles #

   This morning I woke up with a HUGE smile on my face....frickin’ neighbor kids and their Sharpies......

   If you always generalize about women, you're ugly, poor, insecure, or you might have grown up in your mother's basement. At the worst-case scenario, you've got a crap partner.