Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   electrocuting the engineers.

   Fox News is blaming Obama for Miley's twerking.

   Katy Perry's new video is so unrealistic, all those people exploding and not a Muslim in sight.

   FYI Obama has given billions in corporate welfare...^

   going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   almost killed today when she fell off a horse. Thank god the Kmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   Police were called to a day-care centre today.... A two year old boy was resisting a rest.

   whats BROWN and Rhymes with Snoop???? Dr. Dre

   brought my date a footlong sub thinking it would score me major points, but apparently I went to the wrong jared . . .

   A moment of silence for all our pu$$y whips bro's who are enduring the ECLIPSE premier!

   Funny how Facebook is Fantasy Island for some. They pretend to be something they are not on FB but in real life are real douchebags!

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.

   Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

   You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."

   If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.

   It's such a shame when someone dies of a drug overdose in the bath when all they were trying to do was get clean

   Does anybody know which McDonald's that Colin Kaepernick is working at ? I have a friend that wants his Autograph.