Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.

   ...and buying sushi from 7-11 wasn't even the worst I made decision today

   Running with scissors. Take that society.

   polishing up the ole' Festivus Pole

   I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user-friendly.

   Went to Walmart today. Now I know why lions eat their young.

   Wow! She has a nice pair of golden globes!!

   sticks and stones my break my bones, but...ahhhh he!! what did you just say B!t@h! ?

   so old that I can remember when colonel sanders was a private

   70% of my life is composed of Work and 40% learning proper mathematics.

   going to let you be the judge...and I'm the case

   The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. I just did 15 push ups. True story!

   had breakfast in bed. Two rolls and a turnover.

   Perforation is a rip-off!

   ┌∩┐(◣..◢)┌∩┐ father time.....for running fast when I want you to run slow(fri sat sun) and running slow when I need you to run fast(mon-fri 7am-3 pm) I lost track of 10 hours today.

   I have no problem expressing my feelings. *loads shotgun*

   Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

   Good news for all the ladies that felt out this Mothers Day...I am extending my offer for an additional 30 Days... One free insemination! your place or mine...now open 24/7...guaranteed satisfaction..Ladies don't be left out next Mothers Day...get knocked

   I'm just doing what the beer tells me to.

   She lost me at, " I'm going for the Seahawks!"