Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ┌∩┐(◣..◢)┌∩┐ father time.....for running fast when I want you to run slow(fri sat sun) and running slow when I need you to run fast(mon-fri 7am-3 pm) I lost track of 10 hours today.

   I have no problem expressing my feelings. *loads shotgun*

   Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

   Good news for all the ladies that felt out this Mothers Day...I am extending my offer for an additional 30 Days... One free insemination! your place or mine...now open 24/7...guaranteed satisfaction..Ladies don't be left out next Mothers Day...get knocked

   I'm just doing what the beer tells me to.

   She lost me at, " I'm going for the Seahawks!"

   If being single ever gets you down, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then go do anything you want to do.

   I. Did. Not. Have. Textual. Relations. With. That. Phone!

   My Asian friend cannot believe I've never seen "Roarest Rump"

   fun fact: shut up

   If I was an Italian comedian, I'd change my name to Bada Bing.

   Steven Tyler's face makes me believe wholeheartedly in Evolution.

   I got this whole Christmas gifting thing on lock!! I bought my mom a fridge for Xmas a few years ago and still to this day every time she opens it....her face lights up

   Tonight I've decided to put the bourban in suburban,

   My Siamese twin told me the funniest joke this morning!! I laughed so hard I almost pissed himself!!!!

   Seems like Lakers are doing so bad, that they missing their flu shots too!

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   When someone say's.. Living the american dream. I picture... Them with a large pizza, on their lap. While dipping fries into a frosty.

   If you are a "hands on" type of person than junior high school sex education teacher is not the job for you.

   Cryogenically freeze yourself until they discover a cure for male pattern baldness.