Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a homeless guy holding a sign that said "Bet you cant hit me with a quarter!" I bet he didn't expect me to use a sling shot.

   Kegel exercises ladies...Lets begin! and I and a 2 and a 3. :)

   hoping Casey Anthony gets her next period in a shark tank

   I like to do my ATM transactions in Spanish, ‘cause then it feels like a bigger deal when the money comes out.

   In my book, having sex with people comes first and getting to know the person comes second.

   The 12th beer of a 12 pack always tastes a little bit like I'm calling off tomorrow.

   "Who needs prostitutes when we have a government who screws us everyday and gets paid for it?"

   If it's free, it's advice; If you pay for it, it's counseling; If you can use either one, it's a miracle !

   All men were not created equal, look around more often

   I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

   hows Lamar Odom the 3rd best Laker and he got the 3rd best Kardashian??

   where is the chase and how do I cut to it??

   I know you think you're interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.

   Muammar Gaddafi continues his control over Libya saying in a press conference "No one better lay a finger on my butterfinger"

   Lindsey Lohan speaks out.....who cares, we quit you. Go Charlie Go Charlie

   if you play the Charlie Sheen interviews backwards, they have a secret message. lol

   wonders, If I follow a leprechaun on twitter, would it somehow lead me to a pot gold?

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   I tried to walk into target today but I missed