Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know you think you're interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.

   Muammar Gaddafi continues his control over Libya saying in a press conference "No one better lay a finger on my butterfinger"

   Lindsey Lohan speaks out.....who cares, we quit you. Go Charlie Go Charlie

   if you play the Charlie Sheen interviews backwards, they have a secret message. lol

   wonders, If I follow a leprechaun on twitter, would it somehow lead me to a pot gold?

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   I tried to walk into target today but I missed

   That Awkward Moment When You Look Outside Your Window And Someones' Looking At You...

   When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.

   If you go flying back in time and see someone flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact

   One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

   Watching football shows me just how enthusiastic and pretty beer drinkers are. According to beer ads.

   I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.

   A woman gave birth shortly after finishing the Chicago Marathon on Sunday. And that's why I don't run marathons

   Hey Europe just because you call your bathing suit a racing brief doesn't mean you don't look like a man wearing panties!

   have you ever drank a milkshake so fast that your brain tells you to kill Ed Asner?... uh yeah, me neither

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   To the man who said money can't buy real happiness..... you just didn't know where to shop dude....!

   anyone's Facebook acting strange today? Mine just tried to fondle me....

   Wondering if Nancy Grace's hair will actually move when she starts dancing on "dancing with the stars" or if it really is just a blonde helmet