Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guys with a sexy accent. I have a v@gina that would like to speak to your tongue.

   "Oh, scientific method!" ~ things atheists cry out during sex

   Helpful advice for people: Don't be a douche.

   My list of things that are great: bills, traffic, the NBA lockout, the recession, Obama's plans.... Oh! and sarcasm.

   Dear chairs, I know you get more a$$, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.

   Hated by many, wanted by plenty, disliked by some, confronted by none! If you don't like just REMEMBER it's mind over matter! I don't Mind and you don't matter!

   Went from being single to being in a relationSH*T

   Quick to the point, to the point no faking I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

   My buddy told me he really screwed up with his wife and she told him he had better have something in the garage in 24 hours that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds......I told him to get her a scale

   I just ate Skittles for the first time in 30 years. I hate to tell you this... but the rainbow tastes like crap.

   I'm so sick of hearing about the rapture... Shut up already, if it happens we'll have all eternity to talk about it in he'll.

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   Woman's tongue & Man's eye. Rest Only when they die.!

   "never on schedule, because he's always online.

   That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch.

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   ~• ~• ~• ~• •~ © ~• ~• ~• ~• SWIM BACK GUYS!!!! ITS THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

   OBAMA State Of the Union Address tonight!!! It is going to literally knock your Taxes off!!

   "kid tested, mother approved "

   attended a fundraiser for a new women's shelter called "Tempura House"...apparently they work with Lightly battered women..