Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   Woman's tongue & Man's eye. Rest Only when they die.!

   "never on schedule, because he's always online.

   That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch.

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   ~• ~• ~• ~• •~ © ~• ~• ~• ~• SWIM BACK GUYS!!!! ITS THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

   OBAMA State Of the Union Address tonight!!! It is going to literally knock your Taxes off!!

   "kid tested, mother approved "

   attended a fundraiser for a new women's shelter called "Tempura House"...apparently they work with Lightly battered women..

   You expect kids to behave when tarzan lives half naked, cinderella comes home midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is king of thieves, Batman drives at 200mph, sleeping Beauty is lazy & snow white lives with 7 guys?

   Press 1 for English. Press 2 For Spanish. Press 1 or 2 for Indian.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus to you? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, don't hit me with words like "northwest", "southeast"

   Statistically speaking, 9 out of 11 Americans will be offended by this message.

   Spilled my skittles in the toilet by accident today as I went to flush.. What I thought was a disaster turned into an awesome 10 second NASCAR race..

   dispatching her gang of flying monkeys.

   I love to laugh but on this day I am remembering the Love and Sacrifice that Jesus did so that we could be saved.Amen !!

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   What does A gay horse eat? Heeeeeeyyyy!!

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.