Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At the store today, there was an X for me to stand on...heck no....I've seen way too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that crap.

   I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

   Since we've all been out of work "Labor Day" and another chance to spread the Coronavirus have been cancelled.

   AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.

   am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   Don’t stare directly at the hurricane without your Official 2017 Hurricane Glasses.

   There are only two things in this world that smell like fish. One of them is fish.

   You Matter!.... until you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you Energy!

   Ironically, the new Trump-Pence campaign logo looks like it would be illegal in Indiana.

   Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   destroying myself to fix you

   As punishment for hacking, Sony to send Justin Beiber on a North Korean tour.

   I'm no weather man, but it's snowing out in Boston. . .

   PRO TIP: Vodka doesn't care if you are still wearing pajamas at the dinner table.

   When I was growing up mom would wake up early to cut my crust off my sandwhich before I went to school, crust was my favorite part- she really hated me....

   i really need a blue sky 80 degree holliday !!!!

   I wonder if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones because they suck at it?

   if I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

   I'm not a role model, I just play one in front of my kids.