Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God... I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect

   Dear disgusting neighbor, having sex w/guys while your husband was deployed in Korea was just gross. Glad I told him what you did. Sincerely, someone who doesn't cheat

   you know what amazes me? .....that people would rather believe the mayans prophecies about 2012 then believe in a god that made the universe... doesnt seem quite right to me...

   Church sign reads, "Look at what's missing from ch__ch

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast

   .....Squirrels: Nature's Little Speed Bumps!

   wondering if its cool for people in China to get English word tattooes.

   Cruelty is contagious in uncivilized communities.

   I take very morning that I am able to open my eyes and wake up as another opportunity God has given me to be a better person than I was yesterday.

   Maybe if tmobile spent less time on attack commercials, and more time creating phones, and providing a good signal their company would suck a little less. iPhone is still the best!

   People are starting to question where you were born, Mr. President...we need something to distract them. How about killing off Bin Laden?

   Palin Family Asked to Leave Party After Brawl Breaks Out - hillbilly's gone wild - America dodged a bullet

   Am I the only one who finds that Knock-Knock jokes are funnier when they're told to homeless people?

   Next time you shake someones hand, keep in mind that that is probably the hand they masturbate with...

   My friend was telling me about his job and he said there were a lot of Hoes there. I got excited so I went to work with him one day. Turns out he's a landscaper. I hate Homonyms.

   *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and, consequently, I will never be ending an important email with the phrase "Regards" again.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   a fever and the only prescription is...MORE COWBELL!!!

   "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast