Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I take very morning that I am able to open my eyes and wake up as another opportunity God has given me to be a better person than I was yesterday.

   Maybe if tmobile spent less time on attack commercials, and more time creating phones, and providing a good signal their company would suck a little less. iPhone is still the best!

   People are starting to question where you were born, Mr. President...we need something to distract them. How about killing off Bin Laden?

   Palin Family Asked to Leave Party After Brawl Breaks Out - hillbilly's gone wild - America dodged a bullet

   Am I the only one who finds that Knock-Knock jokes are funnier when they're told to homeless people?

   Next time you shake someones hand, keep in mind that that is probably the hand they masturbate with...

   My friend was telling me about his job and he said there were a lot of Hoes there. I got excited so I went to work with him one day. Turns out he's a landscaper. I hate Homonyms.

   *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

   The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and, consequently, I will never be ending an important email with the phrase "Regards" again.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   a fever and the only prescription is...MORE COWBELL!!!

   "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   Oprah got fat again, we can all enjoy that

   and thats when the fart prank went wrong

   my sushi brings all the japs to the yard, and there like "couneshiwah"

   Who are you calling a coodie queen, you lint licker?

   My baby just did something so smart that I'm thinking of ordering a maternity test

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.

   blocked you from reading this awesome Facebook status update. Please try back later.

   once lived in Chicago about 20 yrs ago. Apparently that makes me eligible to run for city Mayor.