Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am asking you out for dinner and you tell me you have a boyfriend. Is he hungry too?

   The secret to success is in my bra.

   I once watched an episode of Duck Dynasty. I can't tell you how upset I was that it wasn't a documentary on Huey, Duey, and Louie.

   I bet if Karl Marx had lived long enough to see Facebook he wouldn't have called religion the opiate of the masses.

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   This bottle of whiskey and I are gonna need a safe word tonight.

   To all you lovers out there....Enjoy your V.D.

   Wishing you and your family a happy, stressless, apolitical, irreligious, nonviolent, and painful-childhood-revelation-free Thanksgiving.

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling

   You can never trust anyone 100%. Suicide is proof that you can't even trust yourself with your own life.

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   What's the over/under on the football psi??

   Bill Belichick will still list Brady as "questionable" on the injury report for the first 4 games of next season.

   I hate it when you are singing along to a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   I call my car the "pu$$y wagon" because that's where I go to cry

   A Lover says, `I will be with you in all your troubles`. But a Good Friend says, `You will have no trouble when I am with you!`

   Besides seeing it on money, 'government' and 'trust' do not mix.