Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!

   My friend's become a dealer. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean at the casino. He says it's a good place to sell drugs.

   Women are supposed to be beautiful and hard to catch, like butterflies. But most of ya'll are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   I'm creative. *creates problems*

   Some of you should be required to raise your hand before you post to facebook.

   Some people are like clouds, when they go away, the day gets brigher.

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   If you live in a trailer, you know a guy.

   Pro Tip: If He/She is only free one day a week. They are only there for hook ups

   my new years resolution is 800 x 600

   I am asking you out for dinner and you tell me you have a boyfriend. Is he hungry too?

   The secret to success is in my bra.

   I once watched an episode of Duck Dynasty. I can't tell you how upset I was that it wasn't a documentary on Huey, Duey, and Louie.

   I bet if Karl Marx had lived long enough to see Facebook he wouldn't have called religion the opiate of the masses.

   i do not like green eggs&ham I do not like them will.i.am woud you eat them in my trunk woud you eat them off my hump my hump my humps

   Scales at the doctors office should come with a hug.

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   This bottle of whiskey and I are gonna need a safe word tonight.

   To all you lovers out there....Enjoy your V.D.

   Wishing you and your family a happy, stressless, apolitical, irreligious, nonviolent, and painful-childhood-revelation-free Thanksgiving.