Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would be funny if in the last episode of How I Met Your Mother, Old Ted tells his kids "I'm just kidding, I never met your mother. You're adopted.

   Wait, did Peyton Manning get traded to the Broncos or the Falcons?

   Morgan Freeman's freckles and earring creeps me out.

   If you are a proud owner or planning on purchasing one of those hippy mobile Smart cars, I have some friendly advice for you.....OMG...F-OFF!!!!

   I was raised by my father----my mother left before I was born.

   Penguins can't fly, and I can't fly. therefore I am a penguin

   Love is Love and Sex is Sex. You don't need to be in love to have sex but you need good sex to stay in love. Some people's sex will make you fall in love.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers

   Woke up screaming Sunday morning. My apologies to everyone at church...

   I wonder how many Clinton supporters are going to start wearing the same type of orange jump suite as their beloved leader.

   Of all the game show hosts, Trump seems to be the last one you'd vote for. I like Drew Carey, Alex Trebek or Steve Harvey better

   Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   I stoped stabing people in the back years ago... now I stab them right in the face...

   says roses are red, violets are blue, you're my facebook friend, but I don't like you.

   wondering if the city of Pittsburgh is proud that Ben Roethlisberger has the same number of superbowl wins as he does rape accusations?!

   Keep talking........ I always yawn when I'm interested.

   I look at the moon, the moon is beautiful...I look at you.. I.. I... I'd rather look at the moon again.. ;)

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Freaking mosquito bite on my ankle, I would have rather got shot in the foot!