Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in this day and age, slow and steady dont win anything...nitrous induced breakneck speed and partial mental instability wins the race...

   What's up with Melissa Gilbert's prison tattoos?

   Wwhen my wife is angry wit me, instead of giving me the silent treatment..........she jus keeps talking!

   Hmmm. Better get started on my taxes.

   If you had a sad or lonely childhood you're gonna be REALLY depressed by Bank of America's options for a security question. Unless you remember the name of you're imaginary friend or pet rock.

   You may have over 300 friends but in true life when you're older you can count the amount of friends you have on one hand.

   When life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.

   /Sometimes I like to let the pastry cream from my eclair slide down my chin and I whisper "mommy likey" to myself. I'm lonely.

   Am I the only one who has their life flash before their eyes when they sit on a cold toilet seat

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   do women shake the gas pump after filling up? or is that just a man thing?

   just came back from a pleasure trip....itook my mother in-law to the airport!

   I'm not saying she is a $lut or anything, but if her v@gina was password protected, it would probably be "1234"

   The only good thing about the fog, is you can pull off the road and piss without being judged by others.

   It's quite ironic. Whitney used to do commercials for Pepsi, then spend all the money she made on Coke

   Email your friends and say "call me at this number ASAP. 12024561414" it's the number to the white house

   Whenever I am faced with a challenge, I ask myself, “What would Phil Dunphy do?”

   Last night I was trying to get this hot girl at the bar jealous. I was slow dancing & making out with a potted plant. It was working, she was staring at me

   I can keep a secret, its all the people I tell who cant.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.