Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is like a box of chocolates..and sometimes you get ex lax....

   Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

   The first of the Chile miners has came outta the hole, rumors have it, that he seen his shadow....6 more weeks til winter!

   Why do I have to cry every time a miner comes out?

   I'm taking this Cookie little Kid.. And Don't Use that Swiper no Swipping Sh*t on me because that Don't work in the Real World.Grow up!"

   To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources... :)~

   I told my wife Ii wanted a cheeseburger for dinner, she told me to make it myself... Looks like I'm eating cereal.

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   If this day were any better, I'd be pulling my pecker out from under an anvil...

   Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

   JUICE BOX TIME!

   bases off how many people like his status to his happiness on facebook.

   So there're these 'don't start forest fires' commercials telling me to get my smokey on. All I can think is "If an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and one of those ranger hats comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did

   People are like slinkys Useless Stupid But Fun to Push down Stsirs

   Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.

   My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.

   After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?

   If your car looks like a cop car... YOU ARE VERY MUCH A DOUCHEBAG!!