Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never make the same mistake twice... I like to fill my day with a wide variety of mistakes from a large number of sources... :)~

   I told my wife Ii wanted a cheeseburger for dinner, she told me to make it myself... Looks like I'm eating cereal.

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   If this day were any better, I'd be pulling my pecker out from under an anvil...

   Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

   JUICE BOX TIME!

   bases off how many people like his status to his happiness on facebook.

   So there're these 'don't start forest fires' commercials telling me to get my smokey on. All I can think is "If an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and one of those ranger hats comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did

   People are like slinkys Useless Stupid But Fun to Push down Stsirs

   Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.

   My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.

   After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?

   If your car looks like a cop car... YOU ARE VERY MUCH A DOUCHEBAG!!

   Guys need super powers. Girls have boobs.

   I wish I was the person that got to choose what posts go on the wall.If you make me spit my coffee from laughing then you made it : )

   Shhh... someone with glasses is talking.

   If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.

   Yo mama is so ugly that she practices birth control by leaving the lights on.

   I've never met a vegan I didn't immediately hate.

   A paper boy said to a customer ''Mr Smith, I wish I had 20 customers like you!'' ''Wow thats ice to hear considering I never tip and always pay late.'' said Smith The paper boy said ''I know, that's why I'd like 20 customers like you, I have 150 right now