lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   Never tell a dyslexic to cop a feel. Either way, they'll get hurt.

   Today, I went to meet a girl I met on facebook. When I met her, I was shocked to see that her actual appearance didn't match that of her facebook pic. The words "Stock Photo" weren't even written on her Forehead.

   My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   Sex appeal is made up of 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.

   LIE: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.

   Last week I sent my friend a pile of snow. I called her today and asked "Did you get my drift?"

   All you need is love. And Valentines Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.

   I think it's funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people “like” it. The “like” button has become used more than a gas station bathroom.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   Did you hear about the new Austalian diet? It's called Swim Fast.

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   With all the farm building and mafia hits, no wonder you don't have time to find a job.