Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got so bored at work today I actually started doing my job!!!

   With all these clown sightings, I’m gonna start picking them up in my UberPool. Even better, I'll use a tiny car and fit 20 in at a time!!!

   Geologists say the California earthquake will most likely happen this weekend due to earthquakes being too busy during the week.

   Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. That's the whole point of time travel!

   Perhaps it's time to cross-breed an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

   I was a creepy clown before it was wrong and considered illegal.

   It took four years for Lil' Susie to be Runaround Sue, four more to be Lazy Susan, never was Susie HomeMaker, and Johnny Cash made her a boy.

   If you’re in the woods this weekend and see a large man wearing a hockey mask don’t assume he’s a Wayne Gretzky fan.

   Some people are only lovable online and should never be met in real life.

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   X and Jayden K. Smith are now friends.

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.