Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worst Wedding Processional Song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

   When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   Mrs Browns Lovely daughter must have a lovely daughter of her own by now shouldn't she ?

   Bad Inspirational Quote: Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - like anaphylactic shock for unlisted nuts.

   If anyone goes to a house without a dog or WiFi, should you wonder how many people are buried in their yard?

   Judge a coworker not by the color of his skin but by the content, volume, and length of his ring tone.

   Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office

   Suddenly wishing that I hadn't purchased the alien abduction insurance plan with a high deductible for all my camping trips this summer.

   Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.

   PUBLIC ANNOUNCMENT: There are no Pokemon in my home. If you burst through my door looking for one you will be greeted by a 17 year old cat and my 12-Gauge shotgun. Thank you for your cooperation.

   Things I Joke About: 1) TV Shows/Movies. 2) Stuff I see on the internet. 3) 'That's what she said'. 4) Serious matters that should never be joked about and part of the reason I'm going to hell.

   First Child: Top-of-the-line diaper bag filled with everything he'll need until college.

   Yes it is true that women give us solace, But if it were not for women we would never need solace.

   Well if we really are what we eat ... apparently I am fast cheap and easy.

   Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.

   Thanks, Amazon Prime. Just what I needed. Another consumer driven 'holiday.'

   Lies I've Told A Lot: I acknowledge that I have read and agree to the above terms and conditions.

   Talk about negative calorie foods, I expended more energy trying to open my string cheese than I derived from eating it.

   Their country is at war with itself and they chasing cartoon characters. What the heck!??