Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.

   Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?

   I love reading books that are based on real events but spiced up with a little fiction to keep your interest, kinda like people's Facebook posts.

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Thxs for all the b-day wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex, 1dollar Cashapp, bitcoins n Zelle

   Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   I can't run from my problems because I am out of shape.

   Breaking News -- Family Guy's Quagmire loosely based on a young Bill Crosby.

   Worst Wedding Processional Song: Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats"

   When I want the entire beach to myself on Father's Day, I wear a Speedo.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   Mrs Browns Lovely daughter must have a lovely daughter of her own by now shouldn't she ?

   Bad Inspirational Quote: Life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get - like anaphylactic shock for unlisted nuts.

   If anyone goes to a house without a dog or WiFi, should you wonder how many people are buried in their yard?

   Judge a coworker not by the color of his skin but by the content, volume, and length of his ring tone.

   Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office