Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

   88% of parenting is begging your kids to cover their mouth when coughing.

   So many things changing daily. For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

   Clothing donations and new purchases are going thru the roof when all this is over!!

   I'm hoping the Coronavirus predictions are as off as the weather forecasts.

   therapist: and what motivation will we use ? me: hate fueled spite ? therapist: no

   If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

   Thanks Facebook for showing me dating websites, but I don't think dating strangers looking to hook up would be a stella way to socially distance myself right now, but maybe after the Coronavirus!

   I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.

   Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?

   I love reading books that are based on real events but spiced up with a little fiction to keep your interest, kinda like people's Facebook posts.

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Thxs for all the b-day wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex, 1dollar Cashapp, bitcoins n Zelle

   Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   I can't run from my problems because I am out of shape.

   Breaking News -- Family Guy's Quagmire loosely based on a young Bill Crosby.