Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.

   My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

   me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

   Cop: have you been drinking? Stork: no Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with

   I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

   If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

   My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

   choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life

   Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.

   Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.

   Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen

   Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving. Haha, just a little joke to get us started. Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

   BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair* ME: perfect, thanks BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head* VOLDEMORT: yep, that's great

   Dudes who order boneless wings close the Fridge with their hips

   It's impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your legs.

   My daughter has decided to become a vegetarian. I'm frying bacon.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO did you guys think you could live twice or something?