Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.

   The most impoprtant thing I have learned about parenthood is many times my parents must have come close to child murder.

   "Turn right at the next corner and your destination shall be on your left. But dwell not upon the destination, for it is the journey which is important." - Zen GPS

   Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other is the husband.

   Have a system for making long distance phone calls. The family and friends plan. I go to a friends house and use their phone to call my family.

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   If you drink too much at a bar, don't waste money on a cab. Instead, walk to the nearest Domino's and order a pizza to deliver to your house. Then ask the delivery guy if you can ride along with him.

   After trying it doggie style I can't face my wife again.

   Went to an amature talent show and saw a topless ventriloquist. I didn't see her lips move once.

   I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   Neighbors state that old McDonald "had" a farm and the last time anyone saw him he was screaming vowels into the air. Back to you, Jen.

   National meatball day. A day in the honor of David Dennison

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I just downloaded the McDonald's app to my phone because I can't stand waiting for my food for 2 whole minutes

   every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.