Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   Do you have trouble making decisions? Well, yes and no.

   Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

   me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

   Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

   I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

   After years of changing beds & emptying bed pans, the song "Bootylicious" never did much for me.

   Text book for urologists: "Looking Out for #1"

   I'm so old that “Getting lucky” means I remembered where I parked my car at the grocery store.

   Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I'm weak anyway.

   I'm so old every year my family makes me a bigger birthday cake just so they can fit all the candles on it.

   A survey by the national retail foundation said that some people even give their fish Valentine's Day gifts. A good way to tell that you've lost your mind is if you give your fish a Valentine's Day gift.

   If someone makes meat based vegetables, I'm in!

   Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

   Tis the season to be freezin.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

   Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn't realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It's causing quite a stir...

   I can't wait for the next played out toilet paper memes to surface.

   Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending people never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   now we're talking post below.. funny post finally