Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how Spys know when they're out of Invisible Ink?

   I hate when people say that ... "life is short" ..... . What the heck??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! ..... What can you do that's longer?

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   OK... I think it's time for 2016 to die before any more good people do....

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville

   Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?

   [lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".

   The joke's on you, internet cookies. I clicked that ad you keep showing by accident!

   Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.