Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids were playing hide and seek and they took out their phones and took pictures and then tag them on facebook. Times sure has changed since I was a kid.

   "Deeper," I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   In high school, I was voted 'Who is that? Does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'

   Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do

   With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.

   You really can't judge a person based on a single restraining order...

   An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.

   Do you have to buy a gift if the baby is ugly?

   There are two kinds of people. People who will help me hide a body and people who ARE the body.

   Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.

   This baby monitor doesn't have a snooze button...

   Like any great man Tony Danza never said who the boss actually was. He left it up to the viewer to decide.

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   I named my left nipple Marlon Waynes because its got a slightly lighter complexion but its still impossible to difference between the two in pictures.

   Your happiness is right around the corner... too bad the Earth is round.

   If you want my advice, don't take my advice.

   I think the kids of this generation wouldn't have been so screwed up if they would have just stopped changing the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked.

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."