Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you have to buy a gift if the baby is ugly?

   There are two kinds of people. People who will help me hide a body and people who ARE the body.

   Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.

   This baby monitor doesn't have a snooze button...

   Like any great man Tony Danza never said who the boss actually was. He left it up to the viewer to decide.

   I need a drunk texting buddy while I sit at home and drink by myself tonight

   I named my left nipple Marlon Waynes because its got a slightly lighter complexion but its still impossible to difference between the two in pictures.

   Your happiness is right around the corner... too bad the Earth is round.

   If you want my advice, don't take my advice.

   I think the kids of this generation wouldn't have been so screwed up if they would have just stopped changing the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked.

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   You don't know a woman unless you understand what she's not saying to U.

   You would be amazed how little you can trust people these days...

   This ponytail isn't gonna pull itself... ...are we flirting yet.

   Ladies; Be Careful about listening to Oprah's relationship advice especially considering she is a billionaire and most of you are either still living with your parents or are perpetually broke.

   You don't know me. And I don't know you. Woah! We have lot in common.

   Sometimes I have trouble coming to terms with my crazy. Then I drink about it, and it all works out.

   You know how drivers convicted of DUI have those breathalyzer ignition locks? Some people need this for their smartphones, facebook, twitter, etc.

   What a loser I must be, I didn't even qualify to take a freaking free survey