Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know words. I have the best words. I just don't know how to spell them.

   I don’t have any nudes but can I interest you in a picture of me elbows deep in a bucket of fried chicken?

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   I don't rise and shine, the best I can do is get up and gripe.

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   Somewhere at this moment there is a masseuse with a ring from Super Bowl XXXVI walking into a Pawn Shop.

   I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.

   When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!

   You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know.

   The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!

   When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

   My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.

   We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

   No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.