Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

   2016 stop it with the great musicians. You know that Nickelback is still around!

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   If you are ever stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, give them each a 5-Hour Energy drink just before returning them to Mom and Dad.

   Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.

   I went to Disneyland but I don't remember it. I think somebody slipped me a Mickey at the snack bar.

   "Hermit crab" describes me twice.

   Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   Pyongyang can't party. It has no Seoul.

   why are wedding dresses white? because you want the dishwasher to match the rest of the appliances

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia.

   Screw the government, let's all smoke weed this weekend