Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mexican: "Hey, lets make Mexico Great Again" Other Mexican: "What do you mean 'Again'? ese"

   Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.

   No Marijuana: Day 7 -More stamina. -Increased libido. -Decrease in mood swings. -Improved mental clarity. -I haven't slept. -3 people are dead.

   The next time you think your job sucks image how the camera crew that follows around the Kardashians 24/7 must feel.

   Opened a Christmas card today and rice fell out....Must have been fro Uncle Ben.

   9 months from now the next baby boom will be called the CV19s and the top names will be Charmin, Angel & Scott

   Aswe end week 2 of the lockdown, I wonder if OsamaBinLadin stuck in his house with 3 wives n kids decided to call in those Navy Seal himself

   My armpits smell like garlic bread. Me, flirting

   I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell "Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ars!"

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   As we used to say in my hometown, “Why are we all living at the base of an active volcano?”

   DON’T CLICK on the quiz titled “What kind of plumbing device prevents the unwanted flow of liquid or gas?” It’s a trap!

   You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

   I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   If a menu item costs a dollar, you give up all rights to complain about it, even if it has pubes in it...

   When you realize that Strap-On is No Parts spelled backwards.