Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not having a kid until they come with built-in mute buttons.

   Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

   My favorite meetings are the ones about the important deadline for work I could be done with if I wasn't in a meeting.

   stop making excuses and start finding the reasons to do things , the only limitation is your imagination and YOU !!

   wisdom comes with age , but sometimes age comes alone!!!

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   "I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy." -- J.C. McKay

   Charles Rangel has been accused of 13 violations of Congressional ethical standards. I'm surprised that Congress has ethics standards.

   I don't take drugs. I'm not even an athlete

   If all of the whitening brightening toothpaste I used delivered, my teeth would now be fluorescent.

   i live my life like i've missed nothing! I started over and am doing it again

   don't think you're on the right road just because it is a well beaten path

   The internet: where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the police.

   one of those "Real Men Of Genius" Bud Light is talkin' about.....

   won't just hit the spot. He will kill the spot & dress inappropriately at the spots funeral.

   you can have my FourLoko when you pry it from my cold, dead drunk hands...

   If Jim Rockford was such a good detective, how come he could never figure out that he wasn't going to get paid?

   found a short cut for this years Marathon

   The only # game I am playing is Barcardi 151, Seagrams 7&7, Weller 107 and maybe Maddog 20/20!!!

   Be careful when someone wants to take you to ANOTHER LEVEL, I listened to that and now I am in another level, but much lower than I was before!