Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.

   After the debate last night and according to tradition we should have a long hard winter....Both Hillary and Donald saw their shadows.

   Got invited to 4 different Halloween parties how am I going to go to all of them you ask?? Easy.... I'm going as Hillary Clinton's emails...that way you won't find me

   I miss Rodney Dangerfield.... now there a great comedian.

   Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.

   I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.

   If trump doesnt go to texas he is heartless, if he does go, he is taking valueable resources. I'm telling you it is a mental disorder.

   Dick Clark is dead, secret service is out buying hookers, and Miley Cyrus is starring in a new movie called "LOL." The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end of the world.

   I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.

   Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   I went and saw beauty and the beast the other day, it wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be. He was pushing a cart and she was drinking a diet coke while sifting through the 5 dollar movies at Wal Mart........

   oh no.....this woman in the Walmart express lane has Midol, Pamprin, and shotgun shells in her buggy.....Lord just get me out of her safelyt

   I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days

   It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   No doubt, a woman's body is home to the world's best man-caves.

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.

   I for one, do not have the moves like Jagger

   The whole concept of Halloween is wierd. Everyone dresses funny and total strangers reward them with candy.