Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.

   Dick Clark is dead, secret service is out buying hookers, and Miley Cyrus is starring in a new movie called "LOL." The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end of the world.

   I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.

   Life would be much easier if Christmas decorations grew on trees.

   I went and saw beauty and the beast the other day, it wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be. He was pushing a cart and she was drinking a diet coke while sifting through the 5 dollar movies at Wal Mart........

   oh no.....this woman in the Walmart express lane has Midol, Pamprin, and shotgun shells in her buggy.....Lord just get me out of her safelyt

   I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days

   It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   No doubt, a woman's body is home to the world's best man-caves.

   UGGS: The onomatopoeia of footwear.

   Change is inevitable. Unless you need it to feed the parking meter. Then it's nowhere to be found.

   I for one, do not have the moves like Jagger

   The whole concept of Halloween is wierd. Everyone dresses funny and total strangers reward them with candy.

   just heard ET has announced "A Very Special Kardashian Divorce" special to air around Thanksgiving.

   Imagine if those kids that built 'FROSTY' would of had 2 carrots that day.?

   The best posts are the ones that make you say "I had no idea other people did that!".

   into the darkness, I give myself up. For tonight, I drink from the sandman's cup. A slumber's kiss has put me under it's spell and as a result, I bid thee a farewell! Dreams await these tired eyes, for sleep is just a days demise. Once more, I bid thee

   calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew you clothes a little bit tighter every night!

   Don't hate the a$$hole, hate the chick that made him that way.